Understanding Each Other

So why don’t our kids want to tell us about their day at school? And why do we think we need to know every detail? And how can we become more effective listeners? To find out, take a look at the situation from your child’s perspective and compare it to your own.
“How was school?” and “how are you?” are not really questions — they’re greetings. A problem arises because we expect an answer. But the question is so general that it’s difficult for kids to answer, particularly when they are on overload from a challenging day at school. “What parents are trying to do when they ask ‘how was school?’ is to make contact with their child,” explains Michael Thompson, Ph.D. But we don’t realize that the question “how was school” may not be the most effective way to connect.
Kids often think adults ask too many questions.“And they are right,” adds Thompson, “we do. Adults are often just trying to start a conversation and don’t understand that their questions make a child feel put on the spot. Be aware that a question from a big person like you can place demands on a small child, even though you don’t mean it that way.””It’s important to also be clear why you are asking children about school. Is it merely chit chat, are you looking for something more meaningful, and are you communicating in ways that relate to your child’s experience?” notes Diane Levin, Ph.D.
School can be hard for kids and that’s why it’s hard for them to talk about it.Every day at school, kids get things wrong and make mistakes. That’s how they learn. But generally, kids don’t want to come home and say, “I was frustrated by my mistakes but I learned from them.” They would rather come home and say, “I got everything right.” Their feelings about meeting the expectations of their teachers, their parents, and themselves can make school a challenging topic to discuss.
So — should we stop asking questions? No. But you might ask fewer ones and try not to get crazy when your kids don’t respond the way you want them to. Remember that if your kids don’t want to talk, it’s not a rejection of you. When you do speak, try to find ways to discuss what’s meaningful to both your child and you, because this shows that you care.

​Courtsey: pbs.org

There isn’t one right way, one perfect question, or one right time to have these conversations. Here are some suggestions to try:

Greet your child with an enthusiastic hello. Try saying “great to see you!” or “I missed you!” or simply, “I hope you had a good day,” instead of “How was school?” These statements communicate what you really feel without instantly putting your child on the spot with a question. As a result, your child is more likely to speak about her day.
Allow your child not to talk right after school. Many kids don’t want to talk the minute they walk in the door. They want to have a snack, call a friend, or just chill out. (Think about how you feel when you walk in after a long day at work. Wouldn’t you rather put your feet up and talk later?)
Learn about your child’s life at school. The more details you know about your child’s school experience, the more valuable your questions will be. If you know the teacher reads a story every day, ask “What story did Mrs. Younger read today?” If you know the teacher’s newsletter comes home on Wednesday, set up a ritual to read it together at dinner. If you visit your child’s classroom, make note of new things you might want to discuss with your child later.
Say what’s on your mind. If what you really need to know is “How did you do on the math test?” just ask. If you fish around, your child will resent it more. “But keep in mind that if you frequently ask questions about tests, that’s all kids will think you care about,” notes Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D.
Avoid face-to-face interrogations. You might do better in situations where you’re not face-to-face like the car, when your child takes a bath, or when you are cooking. In this way, your child won’t feel put on the spot.
Let the talk emerge naturally. Discuss the day while you cook dinner, read together, or check homework. But try not to use dinner as a time to talk about problems like homework or tests. Everybody needs a break!
Listen before you talk. Let your child lead you into conversations on her own. Sometimes your child will drop hints without your asking, like “We planted seeds today!” or “Where’s the atlas? I need to find Antarctica.” These are perfect openings to talk together about school.
Try communicating without words. The best way to make contact with your child isn’t necessarily through talking. “We want our children to talk with us — because talking is our way of communicating. But talk is not how all kids express themselves: play is,” notes Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D. “If we insist they talk our way, we may not get much information, but if we play on their terms, we might. Many children would prefer to reconnect with a hug, by playing a game, or rough housing. Some are more physical than verbal, so you might ask them to give you thumbs up or thumbs down about school, instead of describing it.”
Talk about funny things that happened to you. One of the best ways to stimulate conversation is to talk about funny stuff kids can relate to. “A great way to start conversation is to describe an interesting and funny event from your day. Kids will then respond and talk about interesting things that happened to them,” adds Cohen. Talk about the skunk you passed on the way to work. Talk about the toilet paper that got stuck to your shoe. Talk about the booger you saw hanging from your boss’ nose. Your kids will laugh and probably start talking to you — even the older ones.
Don’t jump in to fix your child’s problem immediately. If your child brings up a problem like “I hate my teacher!” take it in stride. First, find out what else your child has to say and what he wants to do about it. You might encourage your child to figure out solutions by asking, “What do you think you want to do about this?” and “Is there something you’d like me to do?” Follow up later with “How did your new strategies work?” or “You haven’t mentioned math class lately, does that mean it’s going better?” If the problem is serious, discuss it with the school.
Help children develop their own solutions. Don’t feel you need to supply the right answer yourself. Instead, share ideas about possible solutions that will help your child feel better. “This is a way to help your child see you as an ally who will support him when problems come up. By helping your child figure it out for himself, you are also giving him a whole set of tools for solving the problems independently as he gets older,” advises Diane Levin, Ph.D.

Courtesy: www.pbs.org

T.M.A.D. (Teens Making a Difference) a Non-Profit Christian Youth Organization in Herrin is offering a fun filled Summer Youth program every Tuesday and Wednesday throughout the Summer months.
The program is being offered to children from PreK through 5th Grade and runs from 10 am- 3 pm and runs from June 6th to August 2nd. Activities include recreation/field trips, music, drama, dance, home economics, art and community outreach. The program is being held at  the groups Youth Centers at 313 & 317 N Park Ave

Admission is by donation and the recommended donation is $5 per child per day if you are able. All donations go toward the funding of the community youth center's programming.

T.M.A.D. is not associated with any specific denomination or church and they invite all people to be a part of T.M.A.D. Inc. regardless of denomination, race or background.
For additional questions call (618) 534-8928.

When you first became a grandparent, you may have been expecting a fabulous experience: grandkids who adored you endlessly; their parents who turned to you for support and advice.
But perhaps things haven't turned out to be quite so idyllic. I hear questions all the time from grandparents who wonder why they're getting a cool response instead of boundless enthusiasm from their own kids — and their grandkids. Here are five pieces of advice that I'd like to share. 

1. Don't tell your kids how to raise their children. Avoid judging their parenting style and bite your tongue unless they ask for your advice. If you disagree with their decisions — and you will, sooner or later — keep quiet. Your job is to be the grandparent, not the parent. Instead, respect their parenting efforts and look for reasons to complement them. Accept that the approaches to raising children vary from one generation to the next and your kids may do things differently from the way you did. Being a parent is hard work, and most parents are unsure of their parenting skills, whether they admit it or not. The parents of your grandchildren don't need you harping on their biggest fears and making them feel worse. The more they see you as criticizing, the more defensive they will feel and a rift can quickly form. The more they see you as supportive, the more open they will be to establishing a strong relationship.
Focus on being positive and supportive, not invasive, and you'll be a big hit as a grandparent.

2.  Don't forget how to say no. Never commit to babysitting or ongoing child care if you really don't want to do it. You will end up feeling resentment. Remember, you're entitled to have a life, too. When you offer or accept the request to care for grandchildren, go in with your eyes wide open and set some boundaries. You may be willing to make some sacrifices for your grandchildren and welcome the opportunity to care for them, but don't feel you have to spend every possible moment with them. Live your own life with balance and you'll be a great role model. When it comes to gifts for grandchildren, the same rules apply. Don't allow yourself to be "guilted" into spending more money on grandkids than you can afford. If their parents rely on you to pay for extras or even basics, consider your own financial security and remember that even the little things add up. Have the intention of generosity, but be prudent. Otherwise, you may end up needing their help. Grandparents often say the difference between a grandparent and a parent is that what they do for grandchildren is a choice, not an obligation. Make good choices with your time and finances.

3. Don't compete. Many grandparents fall into the deep dark "I'm the best grandma or grandpa" abyss. Competing grandparents only alienate their children and can ultimately make their grandchildren feel pressured and uncomfortable. When you set up relationships as competition, you're setting a dangerous precedent for your family and, quite frankly, being a lousy role model. Families have all kinds of varied relationships these days, which may result in kids having multiple grandparents. The good news is that the more loving adults there are in children's lives, the better chances they have for success. So be glad there are other grandparents in the picture and know that your grandchildren can be close to all their grandparents. You are all different people and will be different kinds of grandparents. One grandma may be the outdoor enthusiast; another may be the one to teach a grandchild how to paint her nails. One may have more money to spend, but another may have more time. Celebrate your differences and enjoy what you have in common.

4. Don't disregard parental rules. Ideas about discipline, snack foods and TV time can be hot button issues. Be careful not to stretch the limits. Talk over the non-negotiable rules that are important to your children. But also introduce the idea that in your home, you should be able to have some rules of your own. For example, your grandchildren may not be allowed to eat in front of the TV at their house, but in your home you permit it. Make sure parents are aware, and also make sure grandkids know that you respect their parents' decisions. Grandparents love to spoil their grandchildren now and then — it's one of the perks of the role, right? If it's all "up front," and non-negotiable rules are honored, parents are much more likely to smile and look the other way.

5. Don't be too pushy. Resist the urge to insist on seeing your grandchildren all the time. Instead, let your kids — and later on your grandkids — come to you. 
 your availability, but don't insist on unwanted or inconvenient get-togethers. Understand that you won't always be a top priority for your grandkids. They will inevitably go through times when they are more interested in their activities and friends than in spending time with you. Let it be, but also let them know you love them no matter what. Remember that part of growing up is learning about setting boundaries, so when grandkids withdraw, pushing them is the worst approach. Listen, don't lecture. Be their safe place and they will come around eventually. Your grandchildren may not let on that you're having an impact on them, but in the long run most adults will say their best memories of grandparents are of always feeling wanted and accepted. Focus on being positive and supportive, not invasive, and you'll be a big hit as a grandparent

Author:by Amy Goyer, November 9, 2010|
Source: www.aarp.org

There are many warning signs that may indicate that someone is affected by bullying—either being bullied or bullying others. Recognizing the warning signs is an important first step in taking action against bullying. Not all children who are bullied or are bullying others ask for help.
It is important to talk with children who show signs of being bullied or bullying others. These warning signs can also point to other issues or problems, such as depression or substance abuse. Talking to the child can help identify the root of the problem.

Signs a Child is Being Bullied
Look for changes in the child. However, be aware that not all children who are bullied exhibit warning signs.
Some signs that may point to a bullying problem are: 

• Unexplainable injuries
• Lost or destroyed clothing, books, electronics, or jewelry
• Frequent headaches or stomach aches, feeling sick or faking illness
• Changes in eating habits, like suddenly skipping meals or binge eating. Kids may come home from school hungry because they did not eat lunch.
• Difficulty sleeping or frequent nightmares
• Declining grades, loss of interest in schoolwork, or not wanting to go to school
• Sudden loss of friends or avoidance of social situations
• Feelings of helplessness or decreased self esteem
• Self-destructive behaviors such as running away from home, harming themselves, or talking about suicide

If you know someone in serious distress or danger, don’t ignore the problem. Get help right away.

Signs a Child is Bullying Others
Kids may be bullying others if they:   

• Get into physical or verbal fights
• Have friends who bully others
• Are increasingly aggressive
• Get sent to the principal’s office or to detention frequently
• Have unexplained extra money or new belongings
• Blame others for their problems
• Don’t accept responsibility for their actions
• Are competitive and worry about their reputation or popularity

Why don't kids ask for help?
Statistics from the 2012 Indicators of School Crime and Safety show that an adult was notified in less than half (40%) of bullying incidents. Kids don’t tell adults for many reasons:

• Bullying can make a child feel helpless. Kids may want to handle it on their own to feel in control again. They may fear being seen as weak or a tattletale.
• Kids may fear backlash from the kid who bullied them.
• Bullying can be a humiliating experience. Kids may not want adults to know what is being said about them, whether true or false. They may also fear that adults will judge them or punish them for being weak.
• Kids who are bullied may already feel socially isolated. They may feel like no one cares or could understand.
• Kids may fear being rejected by their peers. Friends can help protect kids from bullying, and kids can fear losing this support.

​Source.www.stopbullying.gov 

No single factor puts a child at risk of being bullied or bullying others. Bullying can happen anywhere—cities, suburbs, or rural towns. Depending on the environment, some groups—such as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgendered (LGBT) youth, youth with disabilities, and socially isolated youth—may be at an increased risk of being bullied. 

Children at Risk of Being Bullied
Generally, children who are bullied have one or more of the following risk factors:

• Are perceived as different from their peers, such as being overweight or underweight, wearing glasses or different clothing, being new to a school, or being unable to afford what kids consider “cool”
• Are perceived as weak or unable to defend themselves
• Are depressed, anxious, or have low self esteem
• Are less popular than others and have few friends
• Do not get along well with others, seen as annoying or provoking, or antagonize others for attention  .                                                                                                                                       

However, even if a child has these risk factors, it doesn’t mean that they will be bullied.

Children More Likely to Bully Others
There are two types of kids who are more likely to bully others:

• Some are well-connected to their peers, have social power, are overly concerned about their popularity, and like to dominate or be in charge of others.
• Others are more isolated from their peers and may be depressed or anxious, have low self esteem, be less involved in school, be easily pressured by peers, or not identify with the emotions or feelings of others.

Children who have these factors are also more likely to bully others;

• Are aggressive or easily frustrated
• Have less parental involvement or having issues at home
• Think badly of others
• Have difficulty following rules
• View violence in a positive way
• Have friends who bully others

Remember, those who bully others do not need to be stronger or bigger than those they bully. The power imbalance can come from a number of sources—popularity, strength, cognitive ability—and children who bully may have more than one of these characteristics.

Spring break is the time of year when many families head for the beach and warmer weather. But you don't have to go to  far away  places for for your kids to have some swimming  fun.   

In addition to its Open Swim/ Lap times,  the Carbondale Park District is sponsoring its popular " No School, Head to the Pool" swimming session at the Life Community Center on Thursday March 16th at 1:00 pm,

It doesn't need to be Spring Break to enjoy the District's Parent/Child Friday Night Swim This  regularly scheduled swim session is for families to enjoy our heated, indoor pool during a time when no lessons or fitness classes are scheduled. An adult family member (parent, guardian, grandparent, aunt, uncle, etc.) must accompany youth to pool area and remain in the pool or on the deck at all times.  The cost is $5.00 per family (up to 4; each additional person is $1.00).  Older kids and  more seasoned swimmers might prefer the scheduled Slidin at the Pool special event scheduled for Friday March 18th from 5:00 -7:00 pm. For more information call 618-549-4222.

Just down the road in Marion, the Hub offers a variety of swimming and pool fun options.
The Hub's recreation pool plays host to a waterslide, lazy river, basketball hoop, volleyball net, exercise area, vortex, and wading area with a sprayground play feature and is open from 4pm- 8 pm Monday through Friday with longer hours on Saturday and Sunday. All children 10 and under must be directly supervised by an adult in the Heartland Regional Aquatics Center.l A full pool schedule can be found HERE or you can call the Hub at 618-997-2HUB. 

Both pools offer families great swimming opportunities. Dive in and have some fun!

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Finding something to do with your kids during  Spring Break can be a challenge for many parents. Some families  need a place for their children to be while they are working while other parents look for activities to help  create a "staycation" making the week more enjoyable for all.  Great news! Southern Illinois parents have some great Spring Break Camp options from which to choose. Registration is required and spots can fill up quickly.  Don't wait to make plans for  your child's Spring Break- it;s just around the corner.

Spring Break Camp at the Hub   -Registration Deadline is March 1st. The Hub is offering a Dr Suess themed week for children ages 4-13. Swimming is included in the daily activities. The cost is $2o per day for Hubbers and $30 a day for non members.

The Science Center in Carbondale is hosting two  Spring Break mini camps, Little Rockers (Ages 4-8) and Rock On (Ages 8+.). Little Rockers will be offered March 14th and 15th amd Rock on will be offered on March 16th and 17th. Both camps will be held. from 11 am- 4pm.  Kids will have opportunities for  hand-on science activities and experiments in these two day camps.  Healthy snacks and water are provided but children should have lunch before they come. Member Pricing:  $40 for full camp and $25 for one day  **Registration deadline is March 11th by 6:00 pm,  and NO LATE REGISTRATIONS will be accepted.

Ultimate Gymnastics also offers some great activities during Spring Break.at  their March Break Camp. Spend a Full Day, Half Day or Full Week with us. Call us today 344-FLIP.

And just added... Boys and Girls Club in Carbondale is offering some Spring Break Fun!
Bring your kids to  the BGCC for our Oceanography: Exploring the Ocean week. We will end the week with a "poolside theatre" in the gym and watch Moana. Current member no additional cost, new members only $20.00. 12 pm - 5 pm daily and lunch is provided!
Call (618) 457-8877 for more information.

What is your child doing this Spring Break? - We would love to hear!

​Want more family joy and deeper meaning this holiday season? It's possible!
The key is simplifying, so you can focus on what matters. Taking on too much will stress you out and sabotage the meaningful, warm feeling you want for your family. Nobody can spread joy and good cheer when they're rushing.

So first, just say no to everything that feels obligatory. Then, consider what you love about your holidays. Consider what no longer feels in keeping with your values. Maybe the traditions you have work for you, but you want to make a few tweaks. Maybe you'll add a new one this year, that better expresses the values you want to model for your children.
You’ll find your traditions gain meaning as you revisit them every year, regardless of what holiday you celebrate. In fact, that's what makes traditions. It can be as simple as having the same breakfast every morning on Christmas -- if you do it every year, your children will take great pleasure in it. If you ask your children what they love most about the holidays, don't be surprised if they mention the little things you've barely noticed.
Then, limit yourself to trying one or two new things this year that you think might add meaning to your family's holiday. Don’t expect perfection. Don't worry about getting it on instagram; just enjoy it in the moment.
And here’s an early gift to make it easier: 50 ideas for possible Family Traditions to get your creativity flowing as you think about what would most nurture your soul, and your family's, this winter. Remember, this list is to inspire you, not pressure you. Just pick one or two!